nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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