My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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