no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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