How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
