I like my sex mixed with concussions.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
