we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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