My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
