dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Randomize