all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
