In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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