update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
