he was CRYING into my vagina
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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