Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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