Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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