Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
