So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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