I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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