people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
