Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
