You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
