The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
