Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
