you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize