i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
