Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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