This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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