I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
