Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
