Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
