Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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