you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
