ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You're earring is so big in my mouth
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
