i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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