she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Liz is crying about burritos again.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
