I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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