I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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