i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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