I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
