Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
