you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
