Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
