She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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