just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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