Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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