I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
