I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
