i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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