Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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