I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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