do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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