I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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