Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
