Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
