His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Blood and glitter go together right?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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