i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
