How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
